You’re really not helpful

It has taken me weeks to complete this post. I took time in trying to find a way to write this post without being offensive or hurt anybody’s feelings. But here’s the thing, the point of this post is to talk about how MY experience.
Today, I came across a post that said, "if people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." That quote was the motivation I needed to finally finish this post, leave it here, and move on.


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I never considered myself as someone who needed others to get things done. I always could figure things out, even if it was down to the wire or I was at my wit's end.
Things drastically changed after my accident. Life as I knew it changed. I suddenly went from being able to handle things by myself to needing the help of others.
There are either two responses from people when you tell them you need help. They either help you or they don't.
Sometimes, people try to help you, but not in the way that you need help.
But what do you do, when you don't get the help you need?

-The unhelpful people-
Why are they that way? I am guessing that they have their reasons.
I have come to see that there are people who are convinced that their life experiences should define my recovery. Whether their life experiences is that they never got support when they had a hard time, or that they are so emotionally drained from dealing with their own life that they don't have the energy to help me deal with my own. I'm not sure what the reason is.

Regardless of the reasons, there are no words to describe the emotional pain of realizing an individual who you considered close to you is not helpful.

One important thing I had to learn was to be willing to tell people what I was going through in order to receive support. If they did not know that I was experiencing, they often may not know that I NEEDED support.
Admitting that you need help can be hard. For me, it was difficult because I was used to doing things myself and being able to provide for myself. I also was a very private person. I didn't like to talk about being sick. It made me feel defeated or like I was failing.
It required a change in mindset to realize that it was not failing or defeating to ask for help. Without opening up, there was no way for others to know what I was going through.

Often what I experienced is people care in the beginning when things are fresh. Over time, the concern fades.
Gradually, they begin to demand a further explanation if I can't attend an event; they show annoyance if I mention being in pain or my other symptoms.
An unhelpful person tries to guilt you for your new life. They don't make an effort to understand that your health now affects your every decision. An unhelpful person may even use the disguise of "trying to help you" as they point out all the ways that you have changed due to your health, and then they list how those changes inconvenience their life.

So what did I do about it? I don't have any amazing answers in how to deal with unhelpful people other than this:
SPACE.
Throughout my recovery, I realized that I needed to be willing to give myself space from some people. Maybe that meant temporarily; maybe it meant permanently. Each person is different; each situation is different.
Sometimes space was for me to reflect and realize to what little help I was getting. Sometimes space was for me to realize I didn't want to be around certain unhelpful people anymore. No matter what, space was needed.

In the end, I realized, I can't control anyone. I can't control whether or not people close to me are helpful. But giving myself space to accept that, and provide distance from unhelpful people allowed me to focus on my recovery. That was the best thing that I could do for myself.