Betrayal
Physical/health issues are a form of trauma. Your mind goes through the realization that the body is not doing what it should be and it feels like betrayal. It is betrayal.
In my second doctor's appointment following my accident, the doctor warned me that many brain injury patients goes through "emotional changes". It sounded like textbook mumbo jumbo, so I brushed it off. I assured the doctor that I was emotionally stable, and maybe those changes were for the other patients.
I started this blog and now I am staring at the screen clueless as what to write. That's the thing about memory loss. You don't know you're forgetting things until you need to remember them- or somebody reminds you.
Shortly after my accident I was living with my sister. She told me that I would walk into the room every 5 minutes and ask her the same question. I don't remember doing that.
What I do remember is driving to my doctor's appointment [side note: I have NO idea why the doctors didn't take away my driver's license after my accident] I would get lost or forget where I was going. Although I knew the location of the clinics and had been there dozens of times my mind could not place the pieces together.
Memory loss feels like a broken puzzle except it's missing a few pieces... more like it's missing all the pieces. You only have the edge pieces and someone keeps asking you what the whole image looks like. If you forget that you were working on the puzzle, that's no problem, but if you are working hard trying to complete the puzzle, it's fucking frustrating.
In order to make it to my appointments, I started adding the location of the clinics with the appointment in my phone's calendar. I start the GPS from my phone before I even walked out of the house. It's a scary feeling to suddenly realize that you are driving 60 mph on the highway and have no clue where you are or where you are going.
Brain injuries are just that- your brain is injured. It's not functioning normally or properly. You try to make the best decisions, but the reality is you don't really know what the hell you are doing. Everything takes longer to figure out or to decide because your brain is moving at the speed of a snail race. Thankfully there isn't too much to decide on other than what color sweatpants will I wear today, which light blocking sunglasses are my migraine begging I put on my face, and shoot now I'm late to my appointment because I forgot I had one.
The difference between now and right after I first was injured is that I am more aware of my deficits now. I have gone through the 5 stages of grief. Not that I remember what they are, I had to look them up.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
They teach us about them in school, but what they don't tell us is that you can go through them over and over again. One week I can accept the deficits, and the next week I can be back to being in denial and then anger about them.
I bargain- "Dear God, if you don't give me another migraine, I promise I'll be eternally grateful. Also, if you could please take away the nausea, dizziness, vomiting, ringing in my ears, help my eyes see properly, give me my memory back, help me concentrate and think straight, and just overall help my body not feel like shit that would be great too. Ok Thanks"
When I realize that the bargaining prayer didn't work, the "why me? why did this happen?" depression quickly slips in.
Then the acceptance "Alright, I feel like shit, but let's makes the best of it" comes. After a few weeks, the cycle starts again.
My body has betrayed me. Betrayal over and over again.
It took a few of these cycles before I told my doctor I was going through the "emotional changes" too.
Thankfully, there are medical professionals who are aware of these changes and able to help patients who are facing them.
In my second doctor's appointment following my accident, the doctor warned me that many brain injury patients goes through "emotional changes". It sounded like textbook mumbo jumbo, so I brushed it off. I assured the doctor that I was emotionally stable, and maybe those changes were for the other patients.
I started this blog and now I am staring at the screen clueless as what to write. That's the thing about memory loss. You don't know you're forgetting things until you need to remember them- or somebody reminds you.
Shortly after my accident I was living with my sister. She told me that I would walk into the room every 5 minutes and ask her the same question. I don't remember doing that.
What I do remember is driving to my doctor's appointment [side note: I have NO idea why the doctors didn't take away my driver's license after my accident] I would get lost or forget where I was going. Although I knew the location of the clinics and had been there dozens of times my mind could not place the pieces together.
Memory loss feels like a broken puzzle except it's missing a few pieces... more like it's missing all the pieces. You only have the edge pieces and someone keeps asking you what the whole image looks like. If you forget that you were working on the puzzle, that's no problem, but if you are working hard trying to complete the puzzle, it's fucking frustrating.
In order to make it to my appointments, I started adding the location of the clinics with the appointment in my phone's calendar. I start the GPS from my phone before I even walked out of the house. It's a scary feeling to suddenly realize that you are driving 60 mph on the highway and have no clue where you are or where you are going.
Brain injuries are just that- your brain is injured. It's not functioning normally or properly. You try to make the best decisions, but the reality is you don't really know what the hell you are doing. Everything takes longer to figure out or to decide because your brain is moving at the speed of a snail race. Thankfully there isn't too much to decide on other than what color sweatpants will I wear today, which light blocking sunglasses are my migraine begging I put on my face, and shoot now I'm late to my appointment because I forgot I had one.
The difference between now and right after I first was injured is that I am more aware of my deficits now. I have gone through the 5 stages of grief. Not that I remember what they are, I had to look them up.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
They teach us about them in school, but what they don't tell us is that you can go through them over and over again. One week I can accept the deficits, and the next week I can be back to being in denial and then anger about them.
I bargain- "Dear God, if you don't give me another migraine, I promise I'll be eternally grateful. Also, if you could please take away the nausea, dizziness, vomiting, ringing in my ears, help my eyes see properly, give me my memory back, help me concentrate and think straight, and just overall help my body not feel like shit that would be great too. Ok Thanks"
When I realize that the bargaining prayer didn't work, the "why me? why did this happen?" depression quickly slips in.
Then the acceptance "Alright, I feel like shit, but let's makes the best of it" comes. After a few weeks, the cycle starts again.
My body has betrayed me. Betrayal over and over again.
It took a few of these cycles before I told my doctor I was going through the "emotional changes" too.
Thankfully, there are medical professionals who are aware of these changes and able to help patients who are facing them.
Thank you for writing this blog. As the mom of a young man who is also suffering from a TBI - and who doesn't tel me how he feels until he just can't stand it - it is really helpful for me to read about your symptoms, your life and your grief. I wish you - and my son - recovery and happiness. It's a long hard road, I know.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome! Positive thoughts to both him and you during his healing. He is blessed to have you looking into ways to better understand and support him.
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