The good, the bad, and the ugly cry

The day of my accident I wasn’t sure what emotions I should have. Does anybody know what emotions to have?
I was in soo much shock that I trying to assure people around me I was ok. Looking back, it should not have been me doing the reassuring. First, I had no clue exactly what had happened to me. Second, I was NOT ok.
Try as hard as I can, there are pieces of my memory that are gone and not coming back. The day of my accident is one of them. I don’t remember my trip to the emergency room. But what I do remember is lying face down on the bed and realizing I couldn’t walk when they released me to go home. That was the first time I cried after the injury.

Before my accident, I never considered myself an emotional person. I always allowed myself a cry once a month- normally coinciding with my period. It was basically scheduled. I would put on slow sad songs and give myself 5 minutes to let a few tears drop. Then I’d go on with my day. Outside of my monthly cries, crying was rare.

The first few months following my accident are a blur, but what I do remember is crying A LOT. I knew my crying habits quickly changed from once a month to once a day at minimum. Name just about any activity, if I completed it, I cried. If I didn't complete it, I cried too. I wouldn’t say the crying was uncontrolled, but I would say everything made me cry. I mean I cried, and I cried, and I cried again and cried some more. I had to keep a tissue with me at all times.
Were some of those cries pity parties? Probably. Were those tears deserved? Hell yea. I don't regret a single one of them. I was going through a lot, and nobody should never feel shame for having emotion.

I remember in the middle of the toughest time, someone tried to guilt me for crying. It goes without saying that when people have major life changes, often, that is accompanied by an emotional response. For some people that is anger; for me, it was depression.

There are no words to explain the type of frustration one experiences when their body no longer functions as it used to. It seemed like everything was a reminder to my new deficits.
Waking up was hard not only because I was exhausted, but also because the sunshine peering through the blinds caused a piercing sharp pain to my light sensitive eyes.
Getting out of bed had to be done slowly as my dizziness made the room seem like a spinning amusement park ride. The wall and bookshelf in my bedroom normally worked as bumpers to help slow my falls to the floor. Finding new, random bruises on my body from hitting things while falling became a new norm.
The memory loss not only helped me forget about the fall, but it drug out the morning routine even longer. By the time I made it to the bathroom, I was exhausted but then realized I had forgotten something necessary for showering in the other room. Round and round I went on trips back and forth between rooms with head spinning and forgetting things.
Some days were better than others; some days I cried between each activity. The cries were in frustration, disappointment, and then the bitter realization that I was no longer who I used to be.

After a few months of that, I realized I soon was becoming of the patients I had read about in my psychology textbooks. I reached out to my doctors to get the help that I needed. Slowly, over time, with help, I was able to better stabilize my mood. What I found is how much following an accident and major life change that environment and surroundings can have an impact on emotion.
Not only did I start seeing a doctor, but I quickly realized that I needed to make some changes to my support system- or at least who I considered my support system. I will post next week about that.